dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
