I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
