the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
