Don't make out with my wife yet
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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