I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My penis needs a shock collar
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
