The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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