he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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