if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
