Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
