Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
