My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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