Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
