You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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