im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
