So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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