My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
