It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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