oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
