did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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