Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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