I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
