I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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