Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
You don't make any sense
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