How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
