What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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