Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
