So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
