Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
