Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
