i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
