if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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