I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
