My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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