i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
