my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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