I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
