We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
