Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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