He is such a slut. More and more my type.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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