hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
COCAINE IS GR8
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
