It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
