your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
