im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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