I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
