i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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