She is in my trunk
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
