Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
