im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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