yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
