On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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