Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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