i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
