apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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