More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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